The weird thing about a piece of legislature like Prop 8 is that in a sane rational world, we wouldn't need people to create massive campaigns and rallies in order to tell everyone that these laws are batshit insane. Despite the religious fervour that is usually used to push shit like this, every homo- and transphobic bill out there is based entirely on the basic idea that "Ewww, they do stuff with their genitals that isn't like the stuff WE do with our genitals! Which is nothing!"

So it's nice to see that Proposition 8 was finally declared unconstitutional by the state of California, which admittedly took a tad longer than it took the hundreds of thousands of people who pointed out that this shit was kind of an affront to basic human rights over three years ago.

Here's the thing: as far forward as we've come, and as advanced as we like to think we are, people still feel that what they think is right is more important than what has already been proven right. It's already been proven that same-sex relationships are as healthy and stable as opposite-sex ones, that trans people aren't freaks just because they want to change their outer appearance to reflect their inner appearance, and that the invisible bearded sky giant probably won't destroy the world because the Mayans ran out of room when creating their calendar.

But none of that matters because a lot of people think that's all wrong. It doesn't matter if something has been scientifically proven unless people are willing to believe it's true. Which is kind of the problem with working toward queer rights: the only thing keeping us from our rights is a bunch of stupid people who are too stupid to understand they're wrong. Which totally doesn't get annoying at all. 

www.nataliedee.com

If you followed my advice yesterday, you completely ignored the Super Bowl and instead focused on the superior Puppy Bowl, where everyone is a winner! Except for those who are allergic to dogs. Anyway, thanks to the magic of the internet, I have managed to absorb most of what happened via osmosis. But only the gay parts, which I have listed meticulously for your convenience.

Sexiest and They Know It: LMFAO

No, Seriously: How Is He Straight?-est: Cee Lo

Please Let This Be an Orgy: Please?

Gayest Commercial: Elton John's Pepsi ad

Vagina-est Vagina: Madonna

Finger That Single-Fingeredly Destroyed America: MIA's middle finger

Most Destroyed Balls: This guy's testi . . . OH MY GOD, GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL 

Do the Carpets Match the Drapes?: Yes

Most WTF Leg: This guy

Oh Yeah, I Guess She Was There, Too: Sorry, Nicki  

I've never made any effort to hide my general disdain for the Super Bowl, especially since this is the 21st year in a row the fucking thing has hijacked my birthday. Eat a hot bowl of fried dicks, Tom Brady.

Anyway, for those of you who don't want to watch a bunch of grown men throw around a chunk of broiled pig skin -- but enough about Madonna's halftime show -- there's always the Puppy Bowl! Which one is for you? Let's compare and find out . . .

The Players

Super Bowl – Once again, the New England Patriots will take on the New York Giants. To non sports fans, this would be like saying the Flim-Flam Leather Dolphins will be taking on the Skipflippadeedoo Banana Rammers.

Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! EVERY KIND OF PUPPY IMAGINABLE WILL BE FROLICKING FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!

Score - Super Bowl: 0, Puppy Bowl: 1 

The Man Candy

Super Bowl – Every kind of man you could ever fuck is playing in the Super Bowl, and they are all filthy rich and dumb as a board. Muscle men! Skinny men! Heavy men! Black men! White men! Latino men! Asian men! Multicultural men! Douche-faced men! It is a buffet of stupid, rich peen.

Puppy Bowl - If you watch the Puppy Bowl and get an erection, your government is legally allowed to castrate you with a wrench.

Score - Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 1 

Actual Gameplay

Super Bowl – A football goes back and forth across a field. Despite being called football, it contains very few feet and no actual balls. It's really more like Hand Egg.

Puppy Bowl – PUPPIES! FROLICKING! FUCKING EVERYWHERE! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!

Score - Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 2 

Halftime Show

Super Bowl – Madonna, Nicki Minaj and MIA. Respectable, but bested only by . . .

Puppy Bowl – KITTENS! You don't like puppies? Then how about some KITTENS ALL UP IN YOUR FACE GRILL?

Score - Super Bowl: 1, Puppy Bowl: 3 

Commercials

Super Bowl – Yup.

Puppy Bowl – Nope. 

Score - Super Bowl: 2, Puppy Bowl: 3.

So there you have it! Watch the Puppy Bowl, and you will wish you had ovaries so they could explode out of your body because FUCKING PUPPIES, YEAH! 

I really tried to avoid Madonna's "Give Me All Your Luvin." I really did. It's not that it's a bad video; I just knew that as soon as it dropped, every gay boy would be on it like Kim Kardashian on a black dick (THE BITCH KNOWS I CALLED DIBS!).

And I was doing so well letting everyone else have their precious Madonna until it happened: like a gift from the invisible bearded giant who lives in the sky, someone at Logo noticed something peculiar about Madonna's jacket. What you're about to see cannot be unseen here either:

Yes, Madonna's newest reinvention is . . . Sharon Needles.

Sorry, I didn't imbue that with the level of gravitas it deserved. The one, the only, the future winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and the fiercest demon queen ever to claw her way out of R'lyeh, Sharon Needles. Turns out, Madonna and Sharon Needles both rocked the exact same jacket, although I have to admit, Sharon pulled it off way better.

Although all in all, it makes perfect sense that Madonna would choose Sharon Needles as her next reinvention. Both drink the blood of virgins (Madonna in order to maintain her youth, Sharon just for the taste), both must sleep during the day buried in their native soils, and both have eight-inch cocks. I've seen them both with my own eyes! 

Coming off the heels of certain inaccurate allegations that CBC airs porn (which, as a porn writer, I find deeply offensive. We're not that boring!), Twitter took it upon itself to satirize the institutionalized derp-iness of Sun Media by creating the hashtag #CBCPornTitles.

CBC took it with grace and humour, tweeting, "Of course, the day we hit 30,000 followers, #CBCporntitles is trending across Canada. This is...... something. - Scott" and then saying that there were "many golden ones."

I went ahead and compiled five of the best I could find, and then added a few of my own at the end. And of course, you can always hop on Twitter to find the many porn parodies of quality Canadian programming.

@LeoMcKayJr: The Filth Estate

@GnarlyWarriors: The Hour, with George Stromboner

@sladner: On the Bone Again

@IrishJake15: Mr Cross-Dressup

@RJSeven40: Don Popping the Cherry

And adding a few of my own . . . 

The Men in the Hall

Royal Canadian Ass Farce

Mary Walsh: Open Pussy

Kenny Fucking Spenny

This Hour Has 22 Inches

The Rick Mercer Rimjob

Drag Queen's Den