Want to get your porn company some quick press? Offer a celebrity vast amounts of money (ideally, more than you can possibly afford) to star in an adult film.

Today, Raging Stallion Studios offered gay pop star Ricky Martin $1-million to film a sex scene with hunky Austin Wilde.

I'd love to see it happen... but really, it ain't gonna. 

RECENT HISTORY OF RIDICULOUS CELEBRITY PORN OFFERS:

- Levi Johnston was offered $100,000 for a solo porn video. Sarah Palin's former-son-in-law-to-be declined the offer and posed for Playgirl instead.

- Cezar Capone, self described "king of all MILF films," offered Sarah Palin $2-million to star in an adult film. Capone offered an extra $100,000 (and a snowmobile) for Palin's husband, Todd, to co-star in the film.

- Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle was offered $1-million to lose her virginity on film. The porn producer offered fans the chance to choose the title of Boyle's debut flick.

- "Octomom" Nadya Suleman was offered $1-million to star in a porn film. Wrote TMZ: "Octomom is used to having multiple people inside of her at once..." 

- Spencer Pratt, star of MTV's The Hills, was offered money to appear in a Lucas Entertainment film. "He was born to be in a gay-porn blockbuster," said CEO Michael Lucas.

Things like communion wafers.  Seriously!  The fact that the Catholic Church is now using them as a political weapon makes me want to run to Sunday mass for the first time in about, oh, 90 years and grab and eat the entire bowlful.  You'd think the Church would be happy with all those Anglicans they scooped up but no -- like General Sherman, the Borg or Miley Cyrus, they just keep advancing!

Fortunately, the mighty Pam Spaulding has a lovely story about one grandmother coming to our defense.

Now you may not feel you need to watch poor closeted teen Riley on Degrassi: The Next Generation but this interview with actor Argiris Karras is, like, the Cutest Thing EVAH!!!!!!!!!

Who knew we'd find ourselves desperate to Facebook-friend Janine Krieber? The wife of deposed Liberal leader Stéphane Dion has been awfully entertaining lately (unless you're Michael Ignatieff).

I find myself oddly in need of the new audiobook by David Sedaris. "Why not?" you ask, "He's hilarious."  True, but never before on a vinyl album:

Also, the Daily Beast has the handy if occasionally disturbing list of "8 New Internet Sex Fads."  The iPhone can do a lot but having it listen to you orgasm has to be the creepiest thing in a bedroom since Paranormal Activity.

Speaking of orgasms:

a) it seems you really need to get an invite to one of Pierre Fitch's house parties in Montreal, and

b) who knew a simple Twitter invitation from Rolling Stone political reporter Matt Taibbi could inspire such impure thoughts in this, your humble Xtra blogger?  Is it the ballcap?  The smirk? Or his definitive takedown of the entire Sarah Palin media circus?  All I know is that I can't get enough of his massive organ!

His brain.  C'mon, people!

But he's right -- Sarah Palin is done. How can she not be when she's being beaten down by not only Taibbi but also conservative pundit David Frum, 19-year-old "porn star" Levi Johnston and a surprisingly cutting Martha Stewart?  This clip is, yes, a good thing:

I love Levi for his "I'm winning" stance but on a purely shallow and gratuitous note?  Daaaaamn, that boy's ass is white! 

Are you loving the new TV comedy Cougar Town? Late-night comic Jimmy Kimmel alerts to the spinoff we never knew we needed:

And finally, I'm sorry to report that you need to stop hugging.  At least not with that nasty genital-area-touching style of hugging. One Christian teen rap group (a phrase I'll never tire of giggling at) has your Brand New Huggz Stylee or whatever the kids are calling it these days:

Gay political pundit Andrew Sullivan got so worked up over yesterday's release of Sarah Palin's memoirs, he stopped blogging.  I can totally relate -- I had to stop the Roundup for a day or two there to prepare for Amanda's return to Melrose Place last night:

No, in truth, our absence this week was due to something even bitchier -- a suprisingly nasty computer virus that, after two weeks, went rogue like Palin, seen here attacking her former potential son-in-law Levi Johnston for his eagerly awaited Playgirl spread this weekend:

Watching her say "porn" with as much acid as she can drip from her fangs makes me laugh as hard as I did over a recent study that the Catholic Church paid over $2 million for -- a study to prove that their child molestation scandals were caused exclusively by gay men, a study that proved exactly the opposite.  There'll be few extra collection plates being passed around this Sunday.

Sorry Sarah, but we'll be checking out Playgirl this week and, in a shocking twist, Playboy. They've got a fun feature on the How I Met Your Mother gang, featuring new Twitterer Neil Patrick Harris:

Let Palin be as cold as Alaska itself while she's out flogging her book -- we'd rather pay attention to the sunny queens of Bondi Beach, Australia:

Halloween's tomorrow and you haven't got a costume yet?  Me neither!  Sure, we could just go as ourselves -- since gay people are apparently scarier than Paranormal Activity -- but if you want something a bit flashier, here's some last-minute ideas:

Scary Costume:  Joe Jackson

Michael's father is a bigger monster than Frankenstein!

Superhero Costume:  Elton John 

  

I hope I can pull off such acrobatic moves when I'm 80!

Political Costume:  An egg

A Colorado initiative insists that ovum should have the legal rights of a person.  In 2012, Sarah Palin will become president thanks to the new voters in the produce aisle:

Sexy Costume:  The Chinese Fruit Bat

An environmental blog writes, "Prepare to enter the fascinating world of fruit bat fellatio." Oh scientists, you had me at hello!

Party Costume:  Yet Another South Carolina Family Values Republican

Damn, these right-wingers know how to party -- in a cemetary, no less: 

Judy reveals that she knew her son was gay after young Matt went out as the Backwoods Barbie three years in a row.  That is both the cutest and most bittersweet thing I've heard all week.

Movie Costume:  Brokeback Mountain 2 

Jake's appearing on Sesame Street and the jokes just write themselves, don't they?

However you decide to dress this Halloween, have a safe and happy weekend!

It feels like there's been no shortage of bad news this week.  The death of Chris Skinner.  The Winnipeg bathhouse arson.  The passing of former Whistler, BC mayor Ted Nebbeling.  The thought of losing The Hidden Cameras to Berlin.  And then...this completely appalling baptism footage:

So I'm not going to let another dime-a-dozen religious homophobe get me down.  At times like this, I like to focus on the little things -- a few random bits that made me smile and hopefully you too:

-- Three words, people:  Ecuador transgender makeovers!

-- The over-the-top delight of the Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken Doll. My Earring Magic Ken's been so very lonely!

-- Levi Johnson's veiled threats to blab Sarah Palin's secrets.  We joked about wanting to see what's in his pants; who knew we'd now want to see what's in his mind?

-- Actor Forbes March finally confirming what soap opera fans already knew: gay teen couple Luke and Noah are so tragically bland because they're forced to be

-- The Ooh La La guys are showing off the new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.  I may hate the clothes but I love the models who don't wear them:

-- Michael Bublé insisting he's not that "clean-cut" Canadian kid by revealing that he smokes pot and was once pegged as gay.  Ooooh...badass!

-- "A Tragic Video History Of Male Nudity In Science Fiction [NSFW]," the amusing list that reminded me how hot Russell Crowe looked in Virtuosity

-- what, you thought I'd forget to mention Obama finally signing that hate crimes bill into law?  A great day for our American friends!

-- and finally, another hit of silliness from late-night comic Craig Ferguson.  Sure, I posted his last dance number just a couple weeks ago but this one is just as hilarious and really, really, really gay: