It's that German word meaning "delight in the misfortune of others" and I thought that today, of all days, I'd be feeling it in spades as disgraced evangelical Christian leader Ted Haggard did the talk show circuit, appearing on "Nightline," "Oprah" and "Larry King Live" in an attempt to explain away his sexual hypocrisy and recast himself as "a heterosexual with issues."  What I didn't expect was an apology:

Damn.  I wasn't expecting him to be so forthright, even as I grit my teeth at the inevitability of right-wingers holding him up as a poster boy for "change."  Seemingly no longer able to convince the public to hate gays, they now adopt a stance of "love," hoping to convert us with talk of leading us to God.  Or, as James my artist friend says, "lead us to Auschwitz," whichever comes first!

Fortunately, when Haggart's long-suffering wife starts up with that crap, she gets a smackdown from Oprah:

But all in all, Haggard is no longer fun for me.  Straight, gay, bisexual or with "issues," I don't care -- I just want him to go away.  But who can I pick on?  Not the "pansified" "Hockey Night in Canada" gang -- Don Cherry loves the gays, no matter what we might say about his horrifying suits:

Mockery's hard to come by this morning.  I can't even go near the awful weirdness of the guy who died on the toilet in his gas mask or the horror of the XBox teen rapist.  There's just not enough "ewww" in the world.

Good thing there's the ever-reliable Stephen Harper, with his budget schemes blowing up in his face this week. If I can't make fun of sexually confused unemployed pastors or squicky sex crimes, I'll just have to settle for the Prime Minister of Canada!  Now I feel as warm and cozy as one of his sweaters -- thanks, Steve!

 

Like I said the other day, it's a thin line -- one man's trash, another man's treasure and all that.  Here's a few examples as you get to choose:  Awesome or Awful?

-- Dan Savage's readers have chosen the new definition for the word "saddleback"

-- Radical queer theorists say that gay marriage will inevitably make gay men hopelessly dull and they are, of course, correct.  Look what happened on this game show -- is it cultural progress or decay? Awesome or awful?

-- Iceland is replacing its failed conservative government with a socialist one led by their first lesbian Prime Minister. This would be entirely Awesome if the country weren't bankrupt and she'll likely be replaced in May. Their word for 'awful' is 'ógurlegur.'

-- Adorable jazz-pop duo The Bird and The Bee (love the new single!) have done a cover of Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music:"

-- Two words:  Bacon Explosion!

-- "Hockey Night in Canada" commentators have coined the term "pansification."  I can't decide if I want to use it in every sentence I can over the next week or if these homophobic gits clearly have no business trying to use so many syllables at once. 

-- David Beckham as good luck charm:

-- A California appeals court has ruled in favour of a Christian school that expelled two girls because they seemed like lesbians.  Actually, there's not a trace of Awesome here, it's just Awful.  What the fuck is going wrong in California???

-- This Bollywood safe-sex video is seven minutes long:

-- A mom in Lincoln, NE threw a party for her underage daughters and bought them each a keg of beer. I just love this bit from the local news report: "there was so much alcohol in the home that the breathalyzers used by officers recorded a .03 just from the air"

-- We're now being told that blonde, brittle MSNBC reporter Andrea Mitchell is "a gay icon."  Seriously?  Even after Britney and Paris, are we this desperate?  I'm gonna go with Awful on this one, but you may disagree...

 

Even before the Pope started cheerleading for Holocaust deniers this week, I'd made no secret of my lifelong belief that the Catholic Church is pure evil.  Now I know there are individual priests and nuns out there doing great work, caring work, necessary work but, as an institution, the church of Pope Benedict XVI makes Dick Cheney seem like Snuggle the fabric softener bear:

 

I've tried to be fair: even ignoring the church's numerous and nauseating ongoing child rape scandals (I'm so generous!) but it's the little things, like Fresno, CA priest Father Geoff Farrow, who bucked the church leadership and delivered a sermon defending gay and lesbian people in October and was promptly suspended. 

Now fair enough, one will argue -- Farrow was certainly not a team player there -- but now the church is actively preventing Farrow from getting another job.  "You'll never work in this earthly plane of existence again!" they cry while Farrow risks joining the soup kitchen line he used to minister to.

Meanwhile, the Vatican -- always with an eye on where the boys are -- have discovered the internet, setting up their very own YouTube page. Now you can watch hate speech as it happens and stay tuned for their new video, "Two Nuns, One Chalice!"

Gay people are painted as the villain, says essayist Richard Rodriguez, "when the churches themselves have a great deal to explain." I leave you with a charming interview clip in which he explains what the fight to ban gay marriage is truly about:

Sure, the economy is tanking but that doesn't mean wishes can't come true. Lots of people are still getting what they want:

 

It wasn't enough for Mike White and his father Mel to be, respectively, the writer of "School of Rock" and the leader of gay Christian activist group Soulforce -- no, this family duo dreamed of reality television!

Stephen Harper needed someone with charisma to read his conciliatory Throne Speech yesterday and there was the adorable Michaelle Jean, covering his ass and debuting her brainy specs for the occasion. Take that, Michael Ignatieff!

Lynette worried that our cute-and-snarky Canadian ex-pat actor Chris Leavins was "going downhill."  Chris crushed those fears, along with the rest of Lynette:

When I interviewed "Torchwood" star John Barrowman last summer, he admitted to wanting to host his own variety show on BBC One.  If you're an aspiring UK singer, looks like it's Captain Jack to the rescue once again.

Hong Kong audiences are in love with 3-D movies! But will their desire for having things thrust in their face extend to the first 3-D porn film?

At 62, Sylvester Stallone seems determined to maintain his late '70s "Rocky" physical peak. I don't know what demonic ritual is responsible but, on the set of his new movie, he seems to be pulling it off in vein-tastic style: 

In younger, prettier news, Paulo Henrique wanted to be a model.  Now he is and I couldn't be harder happier for him!

"I don't know how to be sexy," says "Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe, adding, "when you know a gay guy has a crush on you it is the most flattering thing." I think Daniel's naked plea for manly attention will pay off very soon.

I once drank too much white zinfandel and imagined an album that would combine Pet Shop Boys, Girls Aloud, Final Fantasy, the Smiths and Tchaikovsky. My dream comes true in March!  And here I thought the Boys' cover of a classic Madness song was already closer to heaven:

"I don't know how to be sexy," says "Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe, adding, "when you know a gay guy has a crush on you it is the most flattering thing." I think Daniel's naked plea for manly attention will pay off very soon.

Out gay singer Matt Alber set out to make a lush, gorgeous video for his heartbreak song, "End of the World."  I think he succeeded:

Though we all strive for common ground, there are just so many things that people will never see eye to eye on. For instance...

-- Some will find Angela Lansbury's morning routine screamingly funny; others will find it screamingly horrific:

-- The Pope has reinstated a bishop excommunicated 20 years ago, believing he got a raw deal; we can't help but notice the guy is a Holocaust denier who hates women, gays and even "The Sound of Music!" How do you solve a problem like a Nazi?

-- The Canadian parliament is finally back in session today. Some of us are eagerly awaiting the results; others are disappointed to learn that Canada was not actually taken over by Barack Obama last week.

-- Dean Coxx says you can do gay porn without actually being gay; Tyra Banks makes her "girl-I-don't-think-so" face:

-- disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard still insists he's heterosexual; the discovery of the second guy he was regularly having sex with, however, makes us think of Voltaire!

-- most of us believe that "Batman" star Christian Bale is not Kermit the Frog; one blogger with way too much on his hands says different:

-- and finally, we have Randy Thomasson of the (yawn) "Campaign for Children and Families," who whines:

"The homosexual activists never stop claiming to be victims, even when they have an iron stiletto heel upon your neck."

Let's ignore the fact that I totally want to see an all-drag-queen heavy-metal band called Iron Stiletto and instead lament poor Randy's sad, Bizarro World vision of gay people. It's so dark, so full of hate and lacking in joy. My vision of gay life has always looked more like this:

Latin rhythms, shirtless men, dancing girls, monkeys, lengthy tracking shots and lots and lots of fruit!  Fabulous!!!